Return From Hiatus

I haven't updated here in way too long.  It's hard sometimes to put words down, even though it is what I really need to do.  We've had a lot going on in our lives and life is a bit chaotic right now.

In January, we PCS'd from Andrews AFB, Maryland to Whiteman AFB, Missouri.  It's a big change.  As much as the DC area was sometimes frustrating, you get used to a certain pace of life, with so many things to do and see.  Missouri, by comparison, is very empty.  I think moving has sent me into a bit of a depression... I had been looking forward to the change of scenery, but instead I miss my friends and I'm having a hard time making new ones.  The kids don't have their friends to play with and we drive each other nuts sometimes.  We are adjusting.  I'm learning to take the kids to story/craft time at the library, and have joined a playgroup so we can make new friends.  I hope we will settle in here very soon.

Landon will start kindergarten in the fall.  I was heavily leaning toward homeschooling him, and we still might in the future, but at this time in our life, I really need to send him.  I think he needs it, because we aren't making many friends on our own, and I think I need the break, too.  It's hard to admit that, but maybe it will be for the best for us.  There's nothing to say that I can't choose to homeschool later if we decide it is for the best.

Another big change for us is that I am pregnant again.  It's difficult, after the miscarriage last July... I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for something to go wrong again.  However, I am 17 weeks today, and I think that's a good sign.

We are opting not to find out the gender this time... though I am struggling a bit with that decision.  One would think we'd have everything we need for this baby, but we don't.  We didn't have the storage space to keep everything, so we need clothing, a high chair, and a few other things.  I always liked knowing the gender because it was easier to plan, but I know we can make it work.  We have Landon's crib to use... he was using it converted to a full size bed, but due to lack of space we bought him a loft bed from IKEA last year.  If the baby shares a room with Kelsey, we were thinking we could paint the crib to match Kelsey's furniture and have it set up (even though baby will likely be sleeping with me at first).  Add some gender neutral clothes, and we would be set until after baby comes and we find out the gender.  At that time we could pick up more clothes and do any decorating changes to the room.

My main worry with not finding out the gender is bonding.  With Landon and Kelsey, we picked their names almost as soon as we found out their gender, and that made it - THEM - more real to me.  A person with a name and an identity.  However, this birth will be very different than anything we've experienced in the past (I will elaborate in another post), and I keep seeing that moment where Justin and I meet our little one for the first time and discover together, without anyone telling us, whether we have another son or another daughter... I want that moment.  It will be super difficult to not find out at my ultrasound, but I think it will be worth it to wait.  I think most of my questioning is because I am now at the point in gestation where gender can be determined, and that's messing with my head a little.  After the ultrasound is done, it won't be an option anymore, and I think it will be easier to wait out the rest of the pregnancy.

I think I will be posting more on this blog in the upcoming months.  At least, I will try.  I need to be able to talk things out, but it's hard to really talk to people about the in-depth thoughts I have rolling around in my head sometimes.  I have a few people who will listen, but they don't always know what to say.  Sometimes I think it would be easier to just be able to type it all out and get it on paper, and not expect anything of an answer back.  I think I can do that here.